Well my dooms day..
It’s now the morning of Tuesday, January 10th, 2017.
I had a busy morning- I don’t know if everyone knows this, but I have had braces on for 10 months now, so that morning I had to go to my orthodontist to get them tightened. It was also the day we got a really bad snow storm, schools were closed, buses were canceled and my little Kia was not getting out of our driveway. So Andrew had the day off and said “I’ll just drive you to your ortho appointment and then we can both go together to see your surgeon.” I remember telling him that it was okay and i’ll go to my appointments alone, I figured there was nothing to worry about, why bring someone along.
But looking outside I knew my car wasn’t getting out of the driveway and Andrew has a truck, and I also knew he wanted to come to my surgeon’s office. So I didn’t fight with him and I agreed. I remember him dropping me off at my ortho appointment, I was in there for maybe 20 minutes. As I laid in the chair, the lady tightening my braces asked me if I drove and I said “No, but I do have classes later this afternoon and I’m debating if I should go or not.” I remember her saying “I wouldn’t go if I were you.” But I felt guilty since it was only going to be the second day of classes.
Anyways, I finished up there and we were on our way to my surgeon’s office. My mouth was so sore and worse I got my period that day too so my cramps were really bad- I don’t care that I’m sharing this!
We get into the waiting room, I give the receptionist my health card and it just felt weird. It wasn’t a good feeling.. They called my name and I remember Andrew asking if I wanted him to come with me. I told him no, that there’s nothing to worry about.
I sat down in a very tiny room, waiting the arrival of my surgeon. I remember feeling very anxious and just kept thinking, it’s just a fibroid, women have them, she’s probably going to say “It’s up to me to keep it or to get it removed”- like what all the other doctor’s have told me.
She came in, I tried to read her face but I couldn’t tell if it was going to be good or bad news. She sat down, read whatever was on the computer to herself and said “I have bad news, it tested positive for cancer.”
I was in shock. The first words out of my mouth was “how!” I kept saying to her “how is this possible! Breast cancer doesn’t run in my family. My mom doesn’t have breast cancer, my grandmother never had breast cancer. It’s impossible!” She couldn’t even say anything before I blurted out “Are you sure you have the right person!” I remember leaning forward so I was able to turn my body to look at the computer screen. I remember seeing my name in bold letters, and that’s when I couldn’t stop crying. She asked if I had anyone with me, I told her yes my boyfriend Andrew. She left to go get him and I was crying so hard that I was shaking. I remember Andrew’s voice in the doorway saying “babe, what’s wrong.” He knew as soon as he saw me.
The surgeon came in after him and she had to tell him. I just kept apologizing and crying in his arms. I felt so sorry- I still feel sorry. I wasn’t worried about me, I was worried about him and thinking how can I tell my family and friends. I worried that Andrew would leave me, that he wouldn’t want to deal with all this- I’d be a mess without him. I was worried to tell my mom and Greg, who live in Edmonton, I felt like a disappointment and I didn’t want to disappoint them. I was worried telling my older sister Jenn, who lives in England. I know how much she hates being away from us and home, and I know how much she worries about us and I didn’t want to worry her more. My dad was in Arizona and I remember thinking I was going to call him once he got back, so I wouldn’t ruin his vacation- I did call him that day. I didn’t want to tell my younger sister Britt. She was at work and I was worried that she would try to rush home and I knew the roads were bad. I didn’t want to be a burden, I’m her big sister, I’m suppose to protect her, not the other way around.